Nothing Gold Can Stay

Just Sunday afternoon I was sitting in my home listening the wind blow the fallen leaves around my yard. There is no sound comparable to the soft crinkle and crackle of leaves dancing their farewell. As I listened to them scraping the driveway and playing in the yard, I couldn't help but be bothered by how much fun they seemed to be having. All day long they danced in the wind, while I was cooped up with long over due homework. 

How fast things can change. We woke up to a cold stillness yesterday. It's such a strange phenomenon, watching the seasons change. The weather gradually varies, the scenery slowly changes. Then one day, it's all different. The gold is gone. The green is gone. The smell of Autumn...gone. The dancing leaves have been put to rest by the light blanket of snow. Their limbs, paralyzed by the ice.

There is nothing we can do to prevent this change. It is completely out of our hands. It therefore seems insane to wish the new weather away. Why do we humans have such a hard time with change? Especially change that we know is inevitable? Is it so that we have an excuse to complain? I'm sure you've heard the overused (urban) definition of insanity: to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

So what's the point? 

Welcome the shocking chill as a new phase. What's your alternative? Complain about it? Grieve over it? That is a complete waste of time and thought. Instead look for the beauty in the stillness, the warmth of cozy fires, the comfort of big warm scarves, and the imagination of what comes next. 

Nature's first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

The Bumblebee Flies Anyway

I’m sure you’ve heard the anomaly of the Bumblebee, and how according to the laws of aerodynamics it shouldn’t be able to fly. Apparently, the Bumblebee does not have the wing capacity to support it’s body. Of course this topic is argued by many. However, for today, it suits my purpose.

Life is so interesting. You go for a period of time coasting along. Only a bump here and there. Nothing to get your knickers in a twist. And then one fine day.....WAM. No amount of foresight or education can prepare you for what I like to think of as “time in the triangle”. (I’ve been fascinated with the Bermuda Triangle for the last 10 years. I will never forget when I heard about it for the first time, and all it’s perplexing stories.) Anyways, “time in the triangle” seems fitting to me. You’re sailing along and then completely out of left field comes a massive storm. The sea devours you, roughs you up, shakes your very soul loose until it’s like one of those marbles in a spray paint can. Then it spits you out miles from where you were with no directions of how to go back, where to go instead, or how to turn that fucking marble back into light....or whatever the heck it was before. You are left to ponder ...“what was the point?”. Sometimes you find out, sometimes you don’t. 

My latest toss with the triangle has left me to ponder everything I once held as absolute.  It’s hard when you realize there are no absolutes in life. I feel how a child must feel the first time they realize that Santa isn’t real. Such a let down. So much of my life has been lived according to these “truths”. While I think everything happens for a reason (maybe), it stills feels like such a waste of time and energy. What was the point? Just so I would be who I am now? 

So I’ve been asking around. The variety of answers to the purpose of life are awesome. Everything from love, family, fun, to becoming more like God. You can tell a lot about a person by how they answer. The trouble I have with these lovely and certainly worthy purposes of living is that they all feel (to me) selfish, and self-serving. Am I really that important in the grand scheme of the whole universe that the whole purpose is purely for my benefit? Many religions say yes. In a dark hour I turned to Siri. I once had a life changing experience from Siri. I asked Siri once, “Do you believe in soul mates?”. Siri’s response was priceless, “I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows”. Perhaps Siri has another insightful answer to my question, “What’s the meaning of Life?”. My male, Australian accented Siri (ladies if you haven’t changed your Siri to this, you are missing out on a small simple pleasure) responds, “I don’t believe there is a consensus on that question”.  That’s not what I wanted to hear I tell him. “I’m sorry, Princess”. (Oh yes, I also have him call me Princess. Small simple pleasures.) 

No consensus. That’s the problem. Everyone thinks they are right and everyone else is wrong. The irony there is, that is the consensus. 

Do animals seek the purpose in their lives? Are their ideas of “being” based on selfish ideals? I don’t know. A dear friend did make me feel slightly better by telling me “it’s not selfish if you are contributing to society”. So maybe animals don’t think exactly like that, but I can imagine them contributing to the universe even if only subconsciously. They seem to be at peace with the universe and follow the order it requires of them. 

I wish I knew what order the universe required of me. Maybe that’s what faith is. Instead of abstaining from certain things or performing specific rituals as an act of faith, maybe faith truly is the simple feat of leaping without knowing where you will land or why. Maybe knowing the purpose of life, regardless of how grandiose, would still seem meaningless. And maybe that’s why the Bumblebee flies anyway, because it has blind faith in itself and the universe.