Master and Commander

You know that feeling when you are going down stairs and you miss the last step? That instant falling feeling that makes your heart race, your blood pound, and your adrenaline sore. Fear. Your body and mind are enveloped in fear. Even if but for a few moments. Then slowly your body adjusts, and you forget the occurrence.

You forget the fear you felt. 

I sometimes feel as though my life is ruled by fear. I’m afraid of what people will think of me, afraid of the uncertain future, afraid of missing out, afraid of being rash, afraid of being complacent.

If fear is so easily forgotten, why am I constantly haunted by it? 

Why should it be a part of my life?

I’m tired of it.

I keep thinking about the quote from Invictus, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul”. 

Fear is a part of life. It drives us. It pushes us. ...If we let it. I fear many things but today I made a choice. I will not let fear rule my life, I will instead rule fear. Fear is going to become my tool, my inspiration. Whenever I feel my heart start to race or my hands start to sweat that’s when I know that what is happening is real. I am going to use this. By recognizing my fear I can try to manipulate it, work off it, and use it as a guide.

My new motto: If your terrified, your on the brink of something big. Go with it. 

Speaking words of wisdom

A few months back I decided I wanted to learn how to play an instrument. I’m extremely jealous of all my musically talented friends. So my grandma, being the awesome woman that she is, gave me her keyboard. As it turns out learning how to play when you don’t know how to play is really hard. Then today I found a nice surprise in my mailbox. My gram sent me a beginner lesson book! Finally, hopefully, I can start on my musical journey.

Anyways, she also sent me a very sweet note full of encouragement and love. One thing stood out to me. She said something along the lines of, “This life is hard and you chose a hard time to come down here”...followed by advice to stay strong and keep my chin up. It reminded me of something my writing teacher said last week, “The world is getting more complicated, it takes longer to learn how to live in it”. 

I couldn’t agree more. 

Confusion is a feeling that frequently torments me. This world offers so many options and choices, it’s hard for me to make decisions. I often find myself saying things like “what the heck am I doing” or “what the heck should I do”. These thoughts plague me because I feel like I should know, ya know? 

So today while I was pondering all this, I came to a conclusion. Whenever I’m trying to decide something, I think, "now how is this going to work in the future", or "do I want to do this forever". Maybe my thinking is all wrong. Maybe instead I should think more like, ok this is what I want to do now- if it doesn’t work out that’s ok. And maybe something else will come along that I want to do more. That doesn’t mean that I chose wrong, perhaps I just needed that experience to have this one. Maybe the key to living in this complicated world is to stop trying to figure it out. Instead, just live it the best you can, without fear of the future, without regrets of the past. All I can do is let go, and as the Beatles say, Let it be. 

BANGERANG

Rain. 

Small drops of rejuvenation 

That satisfy thirsty roots

Enhancing all the glorious colors

(Don’t forget your rain boots)

The chorus gives life to thirsty souls

That all this world pollutes. 

Many people find their solace in the wondrous rays of the sun. Many more find theirs in the deep powders of the mountaintops. 

Me, I find mine in the rain. I love the smell. I love how everything looks vibrant. I love the feel of the overcast sky, it reminds me of a blanket keeping me safe. I love wearing boots and stomping through puddles, reminding me of childish days. I see many others doing the same. It’s almost as if the rain invites silliness and the chance to forget reality and being “grown up”. I love the rain. 

So many things in life stress us out, and make us serious. It reminds me of the movie Hook. Peter was so lost in being grown up that he forgot how to fly. He forgot his happy thought. 

Whatever life brings you, don’t forget to have fun and be playful. Think of your happy thought. Don’t loose it. Keep it safe. But not too safe. There are many sad thoughts in the world, so why not share your happy thought with those who seem to have lost theirs. Try not to judge these individuals too harshly, it happens so fast that they may not know that they have lost it. Or maybe they do, and like Tootles, are searching for their marbles. They need your help in finding them.

Don't forget how to fly.  

Well, it's OK

I love language. Of course I do (I’m a literature major). There is just nothing like the expression of words. I love how good use of language can excite you, sadden you, uplift you, and frighten you. A good writer can make you think, make you react, and most importantly, make you feel. 

Yet through all this wonderfulness, I have been seeing a fault lately. A gap, if you will, in some of our descriptive words. 

Think about how you categorize things in your life. Your pants are clean. Your pants are dirty. Your friend is happy. Your friend is sad. That movie is interesting. That movie is boring. Things are good. Things are bad. Notice a pattern? Good, bad, happy, sad, right, wrong, black or white. 

Why?

Why does everything have to be one way or another? We often say simple phrases like this without even thinking. We might not really mean that the movie was merely boring, but rather was fairly slow, lacked in plot, but had ok character development. This, however, lacks the convenience of the short, simple answer. How does one describe someone that is kind of happy and kind of sad? Can you have something kind of white and kind of black? (And no that isn’t gray. Gray is gray.) Or am I wrong to think that middle ground descriptive words are needed? Perhaps this type of thinking is making our society lazy. The truth is, sometimes we just don’t have the time or energy to give a wordy, lengthy reply when a simple one word answer will do. “What’s it like outside?” “It’s nice.” OR “Well the sun is shining and you can feel the warmth, and there are very few clouds, yet the breeze is blowing just enough you make you want a jacket, but not enough to say it’s windy, yet the sun isn’t quite warm enough to be outside without your jacket, even so, it is nice out.” Hmm. I’ll take the first. Yet I would like to be more aware of my “one word” answers. I’m afraid that by speaking in such terms too frequently, we are at risk of losing the meaning and tones that make language so lovely (not to mention brain cells), and may end up putting people in categories that are restrictive and not altogether truthful. What if the girl is not either fat or skinny, nor is she pretty or ugly? Where will we end up placing her?  Food for thought.    

Part time Ninja

I have a million things I need to do today. I have two papers to start, homework to study, a zombie project to work on, multiple other art projects I want to start and finish, I need to go to the gym, finish my laundry, run errands, and several people to call. I know I need to get all this done.

I spent 2 hours this morning wandering around my house. I don’t even know where to start. Some days I feel so busy that when I start one thing all I can think about is the other thing I need to do, so I go and look at that, and then I think about something else I need to do and the vicious cycle continues. 

I decided I needed to clear my head and went downtown to check out Helly Hanson, as I have a credit there from a coat I returned. No luck. So I wandered over to The Root where I bought a cute dress. ....Spending money on things I don’t need is definitely not on my to do list. 

I should feel guilty about wasting time and not getting things done. But I don’t. Sometimes I need a break. And today I realized that the world really doesn’t care if I get my to-do list done or not. Only I do. So if it gets done a little later than I would have liked it’s ok. If I have to work a little harder tomorrow that’s ok too. 

It’s often said that this life is stressful. And of course that is true. However, who creates the stress? We tend to blame the world, but what if it we shouldn’t? What if it is true that we are our own worst enemies? What if we are just too demanding on ourselves? Today I thought of the phrase “you're only human”. I used to detest this saying. I thought it was an excuse for laziness. But today I realize it’s true. I’m not a superhero. I’m not a glorified being. And I’m not a ninja (at least not full time). I am just human. There is only so much I can do. 

When you start to feel overloaded maybe you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and go buy a dress (unless your a dude, but hey if that’s what your into I’m not here to judge). Life is good, and the weather is wonderful.