It starts with the Man in the Mirror

Day 2

It was a quiet still morning when I left the El Rancho, and the snow was lightly falling. I stopped at a cute little coffee shop and got the most amazing mocha I think I have ever had. I’m thinking, this is going to be a great day! Which was pretty optimistic of me considering I was up all night coughing. Regardless I pressed forward in faith.

Well I nearly died in Spokane. I hit a bit of ice on the freeway and fishtailed for a solid 20 seconds. I totally thought I was done for. But somehow my little sonic (with bald tires mind you) corrected itself and we went merrily on with just a little adrenaline boost for me. 

The drive to Seaside was fine, nothing noteworthy. But somewhere along the way I got into a funk. I don’t remember when it happened or why but I was feeling super low, and super lonely. All of the sudden my awesome journey seemed stupid. What am I doing and why am I here? I had every intention of waking up the next morning and hightailing it home where I could be depressed in peace. I went to bed early. Like 7 pm early. Before I went to bed though I asked God/ The Universe, if I’m not meant to go home then please let me know in the morning. 

Day 3

I woke up feeling calm. I asked my pendulum where I was headed and it directed me south. Not sure where, but south on the 101. Well, it didn’t tell me to go home so I guess I won’t go. 

Side note: The last time I did a “soul searching journey” was 5 years ago. I had just found out something that would change my life in a very obscure way and I needed to get away to process it. It’s weird. 5 years ago I came over to Seaside by myself, and spent a few days here. I was hesitant to come back alone, because I was afraid of reliving all the thoughts and feelings I’d had back then. I had driven down the coast to Cannon Beach, Manzanita, and of course Tillamook....gotta love those cheese samples!

As I revisited the little towns from my previous journey I remembered all the little places I’d stopped. I even remembered where I bought my coasters, which I still love. It was so surprising to me though that not once did I feel the dread I had expected. Instead, I felt immense love towards myself, and how far I have come. 

About 3 years ago I was working in the casino, and a man walked in and shared something with me that was probably the turing point in the depression I had been living in. I did a double take when I looked at him. In place of where his mouth should have been was a gaping hole. I have a pretty tender heart and was instantly thinking that I wanted to be extra kind to him. So I walked over to him and started a conversation. Not more than a couple minutes later his wife walked in, shared a laugh with him and went back into the mall to continue shopping. He said something funny to me like “I can’t live with her but I can’t live without her”. I just laughed. Then he got serious. “No”, he told me, “I wouldn’t be alive without her.” He then told me how a few years previous him and his new wife of 6 months were out hunting. Something happened and all of the sudden he was holding his jaw in his hands. Him and his wife had to walk over 2 miles back to their vehicle and speed to the ER. He had to have 5 surgeries on his face. The best result was the hole that almost closed when he needed it to, i.e. to speak and swallow. As it turns out, somewhere in the distance of where him and his wife had been hunting there was another hunter. And his gun misfired. It was a complete freak accident. Him and his wife had been waiting for a settlement from the gun company for years. Meanwhile they were nearly a million dollars in debt from medical bills. I was in tears from his story and could only say “I’m so sorry”. He shrugged, gave me a smile (I’m pretty sure it was a smile) and said this line that has been imprinted in my mind forever, “Ya get what ya get, and ya don’t throw a fit”. I will never forget that encounter. 

I thought about him today as I was going down memory lane. It took a long time, a lot of tears and angry outbursts at God, but I finally feel as he must have felt. Meh, shit happens...and shrug it off. To be fair, my problem isn’t near what he had to endure. It did cripple my self confidence, and it does complicate my life a bit. But in the end all is well and I am still here. 

Funny that my pendulum led me back to where I had come before. It felt good to release a lot of fear wrapped around that trip. It was also nice to know that not all feelings last forever. I owe the Universe a big thank you for that. 

My pendulum then led me to Bandon, Oregon. Another adorable little town on the coast. I stopped a the cutest little hotel I have ever seen. There is no way I can afford it but it’s so cute I have to find out!..... Holy crap it’s in my budget! I got the cutest room ever with the best view of the ocean! And the beach right outside is by far the most amazing I have seen all day, and believe you me I saw a lot of beaches today. The weather is amazing it was 50 degrees earlier. The Universe does love me, and in return I will love myself, and strive to continue to grow and learn from what I “get”.