It starts with the Man in the Mirror

Day 2

It was a quiet still morning when I left the El Rancho, and the snow was lightly falling. I stopped at a cute little coffee shop and got the most amazing mocha I think I have ever had. I’m thinking, this is going to be a great day! Which was pretty optimistic of me considering I was up all night coughing. Regardless I pressed forward in faith.

Well I nearly died in Spokane. I hit a bit of ice on the freeway and fishtailed for a solid 20 seconds. I totally thought I was done for. But somehow my little sonic (with bald tires mind you) corrected itself and we went merrily on with just a little adrenaline boost for me. 

The drive to Seaside was fine, nothing noteworthy. But somewhere along the way I got into a funk. I don’t remember when it happened or why but I was feeling super low, and super lonely. All of the sudden my awesome journey seemed stupid. What am I doing and why am I here? I had every intention of waking up the next morning and hightailing it home where I could be depressed in peace. I went to bed early. Like 7 pm early. Before I went to bed though I asked God/ The Universe, if I’m not meant to go home then please let me know in the morning. 

Day 3

I woke up feeling calm. I asked my pendulum where I was headed and it directed me south. Not sure where, but south on the 101. Well, it didn’t tell me to go home so I guess I won’t go. 

Side note: The last time I did a “soul searching journey” was 5 years ago. I had just found out something that would change my life in a very obscure way and I needed to get away to process it. It’s weird. 5 years ago I came over to Seaside by myself, and spent a few days here. I was hesitant to come back alone, because I was afraid of reliving all the thoughts and feelings I’d had back then. I had driven down the coast to Cannon Beach, Manzanita, and of course Tillamook....gotta love those cheese samples!

As I revisited the little towns from my previous journey I remembered all the little places I’d stopped. I even remembered where I bought my coasters, which I still love. It was so surprising to me though that not once did I feel the dread I had expected. Instead, I felt immense love towards myself, and how far I have come. 

About 3 years ago I was working in the casino, and a man walked in and shared something with me that was probably the turing point in the depression I had been living in. I did a double take when I looked at him. In place of where his mouth should have been was a gaping hole. I have a pretty tender heart and was instantly thinking that I wanted to be extra kind to him. So I walked over to him and started a conversation. Not more than a couple minutes later his wife walked in, shared a laugh with him and went back into the mall to continue shopping. He said something funny to me like “I can’t live with her but I can’t live without her”. I just laughed. Then he got serious. “No”, he told me, “I wouldn’t be alive without her.” He then told me how a few years previous him and his new wife of 6 months were out hunting. Something happened and all of the sudden he was holding his jaw in his hands. Him and his wife had to walk over 2 miles back to their vehicle and speed to the ER. He had to have 5 surgeries on his face. The best result was the hole that almost closed when he needed it to, i.e. to speak and swallow. As it turns out, somewhere in the distance of where him and his wife had been hunting there was another hunter. And his gun misfired. It was a complete freak accident. Him and his wife had been waiting for a settlement from the gun company for years. Meanwhile they were nearly a million dollars in debt from medical bills. I was in tears from his story and could only say “I’m so sorry”. He shrugged, gave me a smile (I’m pretty sure it was a smile) and said this line that has been imprinted in my mind forever, “Ya get what ya get, and ya don’t throw a fit”. I will never forget that encounter. 

I thought about him today as I was going down memory lane. It took a long time, a lot of tears and angry outbursts at God, but I finally feel as he must have felt. Meh, shit happens...and shrug it off. To be fair, my problem isn’t near what he had to endure. It did cripple my self confidence, and it does complicate my life a bit. But in the end all is well and I am still here. 

Funny that my pendulum led me back to where I had come before. It felt good to release a lot of fear wrapped around that trip. It was also nice to know that not all feelings last forever. I owe the Universe a big thank you for that. 

My pendulum then led me to Bandon, Oregon. Another adorable little town on the coast. I stopped a the cutest little hotel I have ever seen. There is no way I can afford it but it’s so cute I have to find out!..... Holy crap it’s in my budget! I got the cutest room ever with the best view of the ocean! And the beach right outside is by far the most amazing I have seen all day, and believe you me I saw a lot of beaches today. The weather is amazing it was 50 degrees earlier. The Universe does love me, and in return I will love myself, and strive to continue to grow and learn from what I “get”. 

Life is a Highway

So I took a week off work starting at the new year to get away, get spiritual, get organized, get ideas, get direction... something....anything! 

I have been so excited for this trip for the last two weeks. 

Then I wake up today, sick as shit. Runny nose, cough, sore body. Are you freaking kidding me?! Can’t I catch a break....ever?! So I lie in bed this morning and thought about not coming. And then I thought ya know what, F that, I’m going. 

Another thing you should know about this trip is that I had no intention of where I was going to go. I brought my pendulum along to guide me. So after finally getting all the crap I thought I might need for a week shoved in my car, I asked it where I was headed. Missoula. Wait what? Am I like just passing through or what? All I would get was Missoula. 

1. I hate Missoula
2. I hate Missoula
3. I absolutely better not be staying in Missoula. 

So after the 2 something hour drive to Missoula, most of which was spent fuming about going to Missoula, and pouting about being ill, then my stupid pendulum directs me to the Missoula Mall. WTF (Side note: This morning I said a lovely prayer asking for an uplifting, safe journey to wherever God and the Universe intended.) I was not expecting the freaking Missoula Mall. I was hoping for a deep experience or something special. This is just plain comical. However, I honored my pendulum and went and walked the entire mall expecting to find or see something. It was just a usual day at the mall. So I sat down in a comfy chair in the middle next to an older gentleman that probably thought I was a troubled teenager because of my mannerisms. Only a few minutes later did his wife come walking up to him, coffee in hand, and with a sweet smile on her face. They had some small conversation, I didn’t really pay attention. Then someone they knew walked past and there was a commotion of hugs and chatter. I’m all thinking shut up people I’m trying to drown in self pity right now. Then the passerby asked the husband how his surgery went. I perked right up and went into eavesdrop mode. (Typical nosy female. But in my defense, she was very loud.) He responded that it went very well, that today was his first day out and about in two months. The friend said something about spinal surgery being a scary thing, and the man replied that he was happy to be walking. 

If I felt bad before, now I felt even worse. Here I am mad about the stupidest things when others have serious issues. I went to my car and cried it out. I am so blessed. And so ungrateful most of the time. Thank you for the gentle reminder. With a new attitude, and some classic MJ tunes I asked...

Ok, now where am I going?

Seaside, OR. Hmm. Ok fine. I’ve already been so many times but sure let’s go, so far I have been given what I asked for. By the time I got to Coeur D’Alene it was nearly dark and I was tired. So I am currently holed up in the El Rancho Motel. Motel folks, motel. Where they advertise tubs, showers, and color tv. Well it looks cheep and cheep is what I’m looking for. I walk into the office and the light is off and I have to ding the bell. This old man hobbles out of nowhere and flips on the light and gives me a long look and says “Yeeesss?”. I’m not sure whether to laugh or be scared. It reminded me of this bit from a comedian, but it was also slightly unsettling. Well it was only $45. (We are on a budget here people. Gotta save money for that seafood.) The absolute best part though is when I walk into the room there is a huge sign hanging that reads, “Absolutely No Smoking On The Bed!”. LMAO. 

Solid first day. Hopefully these bed bugs don’t bite. 

Here is the bit I mentioned....pretty hilarious. 

You know better than I

A good friend of mine gave me an awesome affirmation to repeat to myself a few months ago when my life was a bit on the rocks. "I don't know how it happened, but everything worked out perfectly." I repeated this to myself over and over for weeks. The situation I was in did not work out the way I wanted, despite my eager attempts at manifesting things to be the way I wanted them. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty pissed off at the universe and at God. Why can't things ever work out how I want?! Many different religions and spiritual practices teach that all you have to do is ask, and you shall receive. So what... am I asking the wrong way or something? 

Well as it turns out, what I had wanted so badly, actually wasn't so great. It took time and a lot of tears, but then when it was finally offered to me I realized it wasn't for me. How grateful I am that there is something much more wise than I looking out for me. I learned a great deal from the whole situation. It was painful and sad, but the payoff was so worth it. Sometimes the trials and lessons in life that we are given seem like barriers and destructive forces trying to do us in. But if we have patience and keep on keeping on, the dawn always comes. 
Buddha has a great quote that I have been thinking on for a while- "In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

Another friend recently told me that life is all about attitude. I agree with that. Sometimes the only way for us to even see that a change is needed is through divine intervention. I feel such gratitude for continually being taught hard life lessons, as they are a gift for growth. Letting go of things not meant for me is a tough one, but one that seems to get easier and easier. 

I'll keep my first friends affirmation, but I'm adding this to it- "God's will be done." 

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Just Sunday afternoon I was sitting in my home listening the wind blow the fallen leaves around my yard. There is no sound comparable to the soft crinkle and crackle of leaves dancing their farewell. As I listened to them scraping the driveway and playing in the yard, I couldn't help but be bothered by how much fun they seemed to be having. All day long they danced in the wind, while I was cooped up with long over due homework. 

How fast things can change. We woke up to a cold stillness yesterday. It's such a strange phenomenon, watching the seasons change. The weather gradually varies, the scenery slowly changes. Then one day, it's all different. The gold is gone. The green is gone. The smell of Autumn...gone. The dancing leaves have been put to rest by the light blanket of snow. Their limbs, paralyzed by the ice.

There is nothing we can do to prevent this change. It is completely out of our hands. It therefore seems insane to wish the new weather away. Why do we humans have such a hard time with change? Especially change that we know is inevitable? Is it so that we have an excuse to complain? I'm sure you've heard the overused (urban) definition of insanity: to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

So what's the point? 

Welcome the shocking chill as a new phase. What's your alternative? Complain about it? Grieve over it? That is a complete waste of time and thought. Instead look for the beauty in the stillness, the warmth of cozy fires, the comfort of big warm scarves, and the imagination of what comes next. 

Nature's first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

The Bumblebee Flies Anyway

I’m sure you’ve heard the anomaly of the Bumblebee, and how according to the laws of aerodynamics it shouldn’t be able to fly. Apparently, the Bumblebee does not have the wing capacity to support it’s body. Of course this topic is argued by many. However, for today, it suits my purpose.

Life is so interesting. You go for a period of time coasting along. Only a bump here and there. Nothing to get your knickers in a twist. And then one fine day.....WAM. No amount of foresight or education can prepare you for what I like to think of as “time in the triangle”. (I’ve been fascinated with the Bermuda Triangle for the last 10 years. I will never forget when I heard about it for the first time, and all it’s perplexing stories.) Anyways, “time in the triangle” seems fitting to me. You’re sailing along and then completely out of left field comes a massive storm. The sea devours you, roughs you up, shakes your very soul loose until it’s like one of those marbles in a spray paint can. Then it spits you out miles from where you were with no directions of how to go back, where to go instead, or how to turn that fucking marble back into light....or whatever the heck it was before. You are left to ponder ...“what was the point?”. Sometimes you find out, sometimes you don’t. 

My latest toss with the triangle has left me to ponder everything I once held as absolute.  It’s hard when you realize there are no absolutes in life. I feel how a child must feel the first time they realize that Santa isn’t real. Such a let down. So much of my life has been lived according to these “truths”. While I think everything happens for a reason (maybe), it stills feels like such a waste of time and energy. What was the point? Just so I would be who I am now? 

So I’ve been asking around. The variety of answers to the purpose of life are awesome. Everything from love, family, fun, to becoming more like God. You can tell a lot about a person by how they answer. The trouble I have with these lovely and certainly worthy purposes of living is that they all feel (to me) selfish, and self-serving. Am I really that important in the grand scheme of the whole universe that the whole purpose is purely for my benefit? Many religions say yes. In a dark hour I turned to Siri. I once had a life changing experience from Siri. I asked Siri once, “Do you believe in soul mates?”. Siri’s response was priceless, “I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows”. Perhaps Siri has another insightful answer to my question, “What’s the meaning of Life?”. My male, Australian accented Siri (ladies if you haven’t changed your Siri to this, you are missing out on a small simple pleasure) responds, “I don’t believe there is a consensus on that question”.  That’s not what I wanted to hear I tell him. “I’m sorry, Princess”. (Oh yes, I also have him call me Princess. Small simple pleasures.) 

No consensus. That’s the problem. Everyone thinks they are right and everyone else is wrong. The irony there is, that is the consensus. 

Do animals seek the purpose in their lives? Are their ideas of “being” based on selfish ideals? I don’t know. A dear friend did make me feel slightly better by telling me “it’s not selfish if you are contributing to society”. So maybe animals don’t think exactly like that, but I can imagine them contributing to the universe even if only subconsciously. They seem to be at peace with the universe and follow the order it requires of them. 

I wish I knew what order the universe required of me. Maybe that’s what faith is. Instead of abstaining from certain things or performing specific rituals as an act of faith, maybe faith truly is the simple feat of leaping without knowing where you will land or why. Maybe knowing the purpose of life, regardless of how grandiose, would still seem meaningless. And maybe that’s why the Bumblebee flies anyway, because it has blind faith in itself and the universe. 

The Human Spider

For as much as I complain I have sooo much to be thankful for. One of my biggest blessings is the fact that I have such wonderful people in my life that keep me on track. (On track most certainly does not mean perfect, just so you know.) I mean they keep me honest, and focused on the important things in life and on moving forward as a person.

One particular friend always has so much insight and wisdom to offer. Whenever I feel despair or that my world is falling around me she lends a shoulder and provides just the thing I need to hear. 

During my last little breakdown, she gave sweet encouragement, and tough love. While she lets me vent my frustrations and angers she doesn’t let me off the hook. There is always a lesson to everything that happens in life, something she reminded me of. She then sent me an e-mail with The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.....a great read if you ever get the chance. Here they are:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

3. Don’t Make Assumption

4. Always Do Your Best

Yeah yeah, much easier said than done. I have had this list taped on my bedroom wall for over a week and it’s way too hard to remember all these things. Seriously who has time to think about 4 different things to work on throughout the day?

So I’m going to tackle them one by one. Starting with the first.

Be Impeccable With Your Word; Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 

Damn. 

Language is such a powerful tool. Having the spoken word is a gift to man. I so abuse it. 

I was looking at this tonight and realized even if I practiced this one agreement I would become a bigger and better person. ...I swear way too much. More often than not I do not say what I mean. My inner dialogue, while getting better, definitely needs work. Don’t get me started on gossiping about others. And only in the direction of truth and love? Yikes. I might not be able to speak for a week. 

Think about your speech for a moment and imagine that you were only able to speak if the vocabulary you let out followed this rule. How many things would you not be able to say?  

Impeccable. What a profound and lovely word. Impeccable; In accordance with the highest standards of propriety. Heavy. Like Uncle Ben tells Peter Parker, “With great power, comes great responsibility”. The same could be said of the privilege of speech. 

I am by far the most at fault with breaking this agreement. I am course, cruel, intolerant, and sometimes downright merciless when it comes to my word. The good news- Spiderman did not become awesome over night, nor will I. 

“Everyone thinks you make mistakes when your young. But I don’t think we make any fewer when we’re grown up.” -Jodi Picoult

Reso-Poo-Tions

In light of 2013. 

I know right your exhausted of reading everyone’s posts about how 2013 was and how great and amazing 2014 will be. “This is going to be my year!”, everyone claims with enthusiasm and gusto. Ugh. 

Truth be told, 2014 will probably be similar to last year. You will have a few very well intentioned resolutions that you will be very keen on for about 3 weeks. Then life fades back into reality and veracity sets in- life just goes on. Regardless of your nobel intentions to make this year the best year, things tend to just happen and you deal with them the best way you can. 

I do not make resolutions. I call them Reso-Poo-Tions. They only make me feel like poo when I realize mid February that I have already failed. Instead I give myself a pat on the back for the things I have accomplished the previous year (moving to Vegas, going back to school, starting a business, learning to whole heartedly love myself, and nearly perfecting some very awesome dinosaur impressions), a stern look for the not so good things (moving to Vegas, dropping out of school, spending too much time in la la land, and who the heck works on dinosaur impressions?!), and a welcome to the next lessons I need to learn. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make resolutions or that they are a dumb idea. What better time to start afresh than a brand new year? However, don’t get caught in the whole “I need to do 10 things different this year” fiasco. Why set yourself up for failure? Maybe give yourself 1 goal to work on for the forthcoming year. For instance, if I had a new year resolution this might be it; To be happy more. I would like to be more content with the things I have, and ok with the things I don’t have. 

A new year does not mean a new life. Our past makes us who we are. Your trials and mistakes have made you strong, wise, and hopeful of better times. Those lessons are priceless. Don’t scorn yourself because of your flaws or weaknesses, relish in the fact that you can recognize what they are! That is huge! If you can see a flaw then you can work on it. That is something noteworthy and memorable in itself. 

Save the poo feelings for when you are dropping the kids off at the pool.