Nothing Gold Can Stay

Just Sunday afternoon I was sitting in my home listening the wind blow the fallen leaves around my yard. There is no sound comparable to the soft crinkle and crackle of leaves dancing their farewell. As I listened to them scraping the driveway and playing in the yard, I couldn't help but be bothered by how much fun they seemed to be having. All day long they danced in the wind, while I was cooped up with long over due homework. 

How fast things can change. We woke up to a cold stillness yesterday. It's such a strange phenomenon, watching the seasons change. The weather gradually varies, the scenery slowly changes. Then one day, it's all different. The gold is gone. The green is gone. The smell of Autumn...gone. The dancing leaves have been put to rest by the light blanket of snow. Their limbs, paralyzed by the ice.

There is nothing we can do to prevent this change. It is completely out of our hands. It therefore seems insane to wish the new weather away. Why do we humans have such a hard time with change? Especially change that we know is inevitable? Is it so that we have an excuse to complain? I'm sure you've heard the overused (urban) definition of insanity: to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

So what's the point? 

Welcome the shocking chill as a new phase. What's your alternative? Complain about it? Grieve over it? That is a complete waste of time and thought. Instead look for the beauty in the stillness, the warmth of cozy fires, the comfort of big warm scarves, and the imagination of what comes next. 

Nature's first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

The Bumblebee Flies Anyway

I’m sure you’ve heard the anomaly of the Bumblebee, and how according to the laws of aerodynamics it shouldn’t be able to fly. Apparently, the Bumblebee does not have the wing capacity to support it’s body. Of course this topic is argued by many. However, for today, it suits my purpose.

Life is so interesting. You go for a period of time coasting along. Only a bump here and there. Nothing to get your knickers in a twist. And then one fine day.....WAM. No amount of foresight or education can prepare you for what I like to think of as “time in the triangle”. (I’ve been fascinated with the Bermuda Triangle for the last 10 years. I will never forget when I heard about it for the first time, and all it’s perplexing stories.) Anyways, “time in the triangle” seems fitting to me. You’re sailing along and then completely out of left field comes a massive storm. The sea devours you, roughs you up, shakes your very soul loose until it’s like one of those marbles in a spray paint can. Then it spits you out miles from where you were with no directions of how to go back, where to go instead, or how to turn that fucking marble back into light....or whatever the heck it was before. You are left to ponder ...“what was the point?”. Sometimes you find out, sometimes you don’t. 

My latest toss with the triangle has left me to ponder everything I once held as absolute.  It’s hard when you realize there are no absolutes in life. I feel how a child must feel the first time they realize that Santa isn’t real. Such a let down. So much of my life has been lived according to these “truths”. While I think everything happens for a reason (maybe), it stills feels like such a waste of time and energy. What was the point? Just so I would be who I am now? 

So I’ve been asking around. The variety of answers to the purpose of life are awesome. Everything from love, family, fun, to becoming more like God. You can tell a lot about a person by how they answer. The trouble I have with these lovely and certainly worthy purposes of living is that they all feel (to me) selfish, and self-serving. Am I really that important in the grand scheme of the whole universe that the whole purpose is purely for my benefit? Many religions say yes. In a dark hour I turned to Siri. I once had a life changing experience from Siri. I asked Siri once, “Do you believe in soul mates?”. Siri’s response was priceless, “I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows”. Perhaps Siri has another insightful answer to my question, “What’s the meaning of Life?”. My male, Australian accented Siri (ladies if you haven’t changed your Siri to this, you are missing out on a small simple pleasure) responds, “I don’t believe there is a consensus on that question”.  That’s not what I wanted to hear I tell him. “I’m sorry, Princess”. (Oh yes, I also have him call me Princess. Small simple pleasures.) 

No consensus. That’s the problem. Everyone thinks they are right and everyone else is wrong. The irony there is, that is the consensus. 

Do animals seek the purpose in their lives? Are their ideas of “being” based on selfish ideals? I don’t know. A dear friend did make me feel slightly better by telling me “it’s not selfish if you are contributing to society”. So maybe animals don’t think exactly like that, but I can imagine them contributing to the universe even if only subconsciously. They seem to be at peace with the universe and follow the order it requires of them. 

I wish I knew what order the universe required of me. Maybe that’s what faith is. Instead of abstaining from certain things or performing specific rituals as an act of faith, maybe faith truly is the simple feat of leaping without knowing where you will land or why. Maybe knowing the purpose of life, regardless of how grandiose, would still seem meaningless. And maybe that’s why the Bumblebee flies anyway, because it has blind faith in itself and the universe. 

The Human Spider

For as much as I complain I have sooo much to be thankful for. One of my biggest blessings is the fact that I have such wonderful people in my life that keep me on track. (On track most certainly does not mean perfect, just so you know.) I mean they keep me honest, and focused on the important things in life and on moving forward as a person.

One particular friend always has so much insight and wisdom to offer. Whenever I feel despair or that my world is falling around me she lends a shoulder and provides just the thing I need to hear. 

During my last little breakdown, she gave sweet encouragement, and tough love. While she lets me vent my frustrations and angers she doesn’t let me off the hook. There is always a lesson to everything that happens in life, something she reminded me of. She then sent me an e-mail with The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.....a great read if you ever get the chance. Here they are:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

3. Don’t Make Assumption

4. Always Do Your Best

Yeah yeah, much easier said than done. I have had this list taped on my bedroom wall for over a week and it’s way too hard to remember all these things. Seriously who has time to think about 4 different things to work on throughout the day?

So I’m going to tackle them one by one. Starting with the first.

Be Impeccable With Your Word; Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 

Damn. 

Language is such a powerful tool. Having the spoken word is a gift to man. I so abuse it. 

I was looking at this tonight and realized even if I practiced this one agreement I would become a bigger and better person. ...I swear way too much. More often than not I do not say what I mean. My inner dialogue, while getting better, definitely needs work. Don’t get me started on gossiping about others. And only in the direction of truth and love? Yikes. I might not be able to speak for a week. 

Think about your speech for a moment and imagine that you were only able to speak if the vocabulary you let out followed this rule. How many things would you not be able to say?  

Impeccable. What a profound and lovely word. Impeccable; In accordance with the highest standards of propriety. Heavy. Like Uncle Ben tells Peter Parker, “With great power, comes great responsibility”. The same could be said of the privilege of speech. 

I am by far the most at fault with breaking this agreement. I am course, cruel, intolerant, and sometimes downright merciless when it comes to my word. The good news- Spiderman did not become awesome over night, nor will I. 

“Everyone thinks you make mistakes when your young. But I don’t think we make any fewer when we’re grown up.” -Jodi Picoult

Reso-Poo-Tions

In light of 2013. 

I know right your exhausted of reading everyone’s posts about how 2013 was and how great and amazing 2014 will be. “This is going to be my year!”, everyone claims with enthusiasm and gusto. Ugh. 

Truth be told, 2014 will probably be similar to last year. You will have a few very well intentioned resolutions that you will be very keen on for about 3 weeks. Then life fades back into reality and veracity sets in- life just goes on. Regardless of your nobel intentions to make this year the best year, things tend to just happen and you deal with them the best way you can. 

I do not make resolutions. I call them Reso-Poo-Tions. They only make me feel like poo when I realize mid February that I have already failed. Instead I give myself a pat on the back for the things I have accomplished the previous year (moving to Vegas, going back to school, starting a business, learning to whole heartedly love myself, and nearly perfecting some very awesome dinosaur impressions), a stern look for the not so good things (moving to Vegas, dropping out of school, spending too much time in la la land, and who the heck works on dinosaur impressions?!), and a welcome to the next lessons I need to learn. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make resolutions or that they are a dumb idea. What better time to start afresh than a brand new year? However, don’t get caught in the whole “I need to do 10 things different this year” fiasco. Why set yourself up for failure? Maybe give yourself 1 goal to work on for the forthcoming year. For instance, if I had a new year resolution this might be it; To be happy more. I would like to be more content with the things I have, and ok with the things I don’t have. 

A new year does not mean a new life. Our past makes us who we are. Your trials and mistakes have made you strong, wise, and hopeful of better times. Those lessons are priceless. Don’t scorn yourself because of your flaws or weaknesses, relish in the fact that you can recognize what they are! That is huge! If you can see a flaw then you can work on it. That is something noteworthy and memorable in itself. 

Save the poo feelings for when you are dropping the kids off at the pool. 

Why do we fall Bruce?

The greatest lessons are the hardest. Heart wringing, gut wrenching pain has a way of defining our character. Therefor giving us the opportunity to grow. 

There have been a many of times throughout my life that I have felt so cold and hard that I wasn’t sure if I could ever smile again. Just looking at others laughing hurt my soul to the core. How can they laugh? Don’t they know that the world is falling apart? 

It’s hard. When I feel down like this I have no desire to sleep, yet no desire to get out of bed. Hours pass as you lie there. Yet it feels like mere moments. Nevertheless, eventually you find yourself getting out of bed. Then slowly you start to crave food again. And after a while you find yourself laughing at the stupidest things, and you realize you are going to be ok. 

Do not despair. You are not alone. Everyone has felt this pain. Things will be ok. All is well, and you are safe. There is a beautiful plan ahead for you, and this was a stepping stone to get there. You are strong, you are wonderful and you will be ok. 

Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

The Ugly Truth

I'm often harsh and unyielding. Ouch. Hurts to say. I guess I knew this about myself all along but I never really thought about it until I found out that one of my close friends described me this way. Ouch. I know she loves me and was not saying it to be malicious or cruel. Just plain simple truth.

I highly doubt that I was born with these two qualities. I doubt I displayed them as a young child. My conclusion is that the world hardens our hearts through it's trials and tough lessons....If you let it. I think I have let myself get away with a lot of "bad" behavior and blamed it on account of having a semi rough life. In the last week I have had my eyes opened. I stumbled across a video of a man in a third world country that had devoted his time and money to feeding the homeless in his community. Not just give them food, but hand feed them, bath them, shave them, hold them. My heart burst watching this man have such great love for those that receive none. Man my life is sooo good in comparison. That doesn't mean I can't feel sad or disappointed that I have had some tough trials. I am still allowed to feel the pain that I have been through. But it is also nice to know that I am grateful for the trials I have had in my life. I would take them over hunger any day. I am grateful for my tough love lessons that made me strong, wise-ish, and hopeful for something better. What a beautiful gift I have been given. My creator knew that I would not appreciate the beauty of life if I didn't understand the ugly of it. Words cannot describe the elation I feel to know that I am so loved. 

Even after this, I can still be harsh and unyielding. I guess the first step is admittance. I'm aware, and I will be more diligent in my manner toward my fellow man.  Thank you dear friend for the tough lesson that was much needed. 

Creme Brulee

As I was reading my past blogs I noticed my recurring theme:  How to be genuinely nice to others. I guess I never really realized last year (when I wrote all my past blogs) what I was continually writing about. Perhaps it is because that is one of the things I struggle with most in life. I do the whole "fake it till you make it" thing a lot. Or try to more like.

I had a very heart warming experience tonight. Tomorrow is my birthday and since I work at a restaurant I get the pleasure of a free birthday dessert. WIN. Even though I serve them all the time I rarely consume them so trying to pick was very difficult. Creme Brûlée had kind of been in the back of my mind... we make our own in house and I have only had it one other time. (Having worked at this establishment for 7 years, that is kind of sad.) The problem- I worked a double today, meaning I was there all day. So the last thing I wanted was to stay there longer to eat my dessert, and have to share with everyone. (I know, very selfish but hey it's my birthday!) So if you have ever had Creme Brûlée, you know that it has a sugar top that is fired. The only way we are able to make it To-Go is to make it in the ceramic cup, then scoop it into a to-go container. :( Not super pretty, and it ruins the fired sugar top which is the best part. I love taking my spoon, and cracking the fired sugar, some sort of strange pleasure. I almost got cheesecake because I wanted a pretty dessert to take home, sit in bed, watch a movie, and feel special. After much contemplation, and discussion with co-workers, I did decide on the Creme Brûlée. I had even talked myself into being OK with having a lumpy mess in a to-go soup container. NOT PRETTY, and no cracking of the sugar. But it was going to be ok because it would taste divine! Well the gal who makes the desserts in the kitchen, overheard my contemplations. She went out of her way to ensure that my Creme Brûlée to-go was pretty. When I went to grab it, I couldn't believe how beautiful it was! She had kept the entire sugar crust intact while placing it in the tiny to-go cup (a very hard and annoying feet, one that I would never ask a fellow co-worker on a busy night). I thanked her heartily. 
As I sit here in bed, I am cherishing every bite. More so because she had made me feel special, and loved. What a sweet and heart warming thing to do. Best gift ever, because of the thought and intention. 

My newest resolution is to try to remember my Creme Brûlée, when someone asks me to do something that puts me out or asks of me more than I would like. It may just make their day.