It starts with the Man in the Mirror

Day 2

It was a quiet still morning when I left the El Rancho, and the snow was lightly falling. I stopped at a cute little coffee shop and got the most amazing mocha I think I have ever had. I’m thinking, this is going to be a great day! Which was pretty optimistic of me considering I was up all night coughing. Regardless I pressed forward in faith.

Well I nearly died in Spokane. I hit a bit of ice on the freeway and fishtailed for a solid 20 seconds. I totally thought I was done for. But somehow my little sonic (with bald tires mind you) corrected itself and we went merrily on with just a little adrenaline boost for me. 

The drive to Seaside was fine, nothing noteworthy. But somewhere along the way I got into a funk. I don’t remember when it happened or why but I was feeling super low, and super lonely. All of the sudden my awesome journey seemed stupid. What am I doing and why am I here? I had every intention of waking up the next morning and hightailing it home where I could be depressed in peace. I went to bed early. Like 7 pm early. Before I went to bed though I asked God/ The Universe, if I’m not meant to go home then please let me know in the morning. 

Day 3

I woke up feeling calm. I asked my pendulum where I was headed and it directed me south. Not sure where, but south on the 101. Well, it didn’t tell me to go home so I guess I won’t go. 

Side note: The last time I did a “soul searching journey” was 5 years ago. I had just found out something that would change my life in a very obscure way and I needed to get away to process it. It’s weird. 5 years ago I came over to Seaside by myself, and spent a few days here. I was hesitant to come back alone, because I was afraid of reliving all the thoughts and feelings I’d had back then. I had driven down the coast to Cannon Beach, Manzanita, and of course Tillamook....gotta love those cheese samples!

As I revisited the little towns from my previous journey I remembered all the little places I’d stopped. I even remembered where I bought my coasters, which I still love. It was so surprising to me though that not once did I feel the dread I had expected. Instead, I felt immense love towards myself, and how far I have come. 

About 3 years ago I was working in the casino, and a man walked in and shared something with me that was probably the turing point in the depression I had been living in. I did a double take when I looked at him. In place of where his mouth should have been was a gaping hole. I have a pretty tender heart and was instantly thinking that I wanted to be extra kind to him. So I walked over to him and started a conversation. Not more than a couple minutes later his wife walked in, shared a laugh with him and went back into the mall to continue shopping. He said something funny to me like “I can’t live with her but I can’t live without her”. I just laughed. Then he got serious. “No”, he told me, “I wouldn’t be alive without her.” He then told me how a few years previous him and his new wife of 6 months were out hunting. Something happened and all of the sudden he was holding his jaw in his hands. Him and his wife had to walk over 2 miles back to their vehicle and speed to the ER. He had to have 5 surgeries on his face. The best result was the hole that almost closed when he needed it to, i.e. to speak and swallow. As it turns out, somewhere in the distance of where him and his wife had been hunting there was another hunter. And his gun misfired. It was a complete freak accident. Him and his wife had been waiting for a settlement from the gun company for years. Meanwhile they were nearly a million dollars in debt from medical bills. I was in tears from his story and could only say “I’m so sorry”. He shrugged, gave me a smile (I’m pretty sure it was a smile) and said this line that has been imprinted in my mind forever, “Ya get what ya get, and ya don’t throw a fit”. I will never forget that encounter. 

I thought about him today as I was going down memory lane. It took a long time, a lot of tears and angry outbursts at God, but I finally feel as he must have felt. Meh, shit happens...and shrug it off. To be fair, my problem isn’t near what he had to endure. It did cripple my self confidence, and it does complicate my life a bit. But in the end all is well and I am still here. 

Funny that my pendulum led me back to where I had come before. It felt good to release a lot of fear wrapped around that trip. It was also nice to know that not all feelings last forever. I owe the Universe a big thank you for that. 

My pendulum then led me to Bandon, Oregon. Another adorable little town on the coast. I stopped a the cutest little hotel I have ever seen. There is no way I can afford it but it’s so cute I have to find out!..... Holy crap it’s in my budget! I got the cutest room ever with the best view of the ocean! And the beach right outside is by far the most amazing I have seen all day, and believe you me I saw a lot of beaches today. The weather is amazing it was 50 degrees earlier. The Universe does love me, and in return I will love myself, and strive to continue to grow and learn from what I “get”. 

Life is a Highway

So I took a week off work starting at the new year to get away, get spiritual, get organized, get ideas, get direction... something....anything! 

I have been so excited for this trip for the last two weeks. 

Then I wake up today, sick as shit. Runny nose, cough, sore body. Are you freaking kidding me?! Can’t I catch a break....ever?! So I lie in bed this morning and thought about not coming. And then I thought ya know what, F that, I’m going. 

Another thing you should know about this trip is that I had no intention of where I was going to go. I brought my pendulum along to guide me. So after finally getting all the crap I thought I might need for a week shoved in my car, I asked it where I was headed. Missoula. Wait what? Am I like just passing through or what? All I would get was Missoula. 

1. I hate Missoula
2. I hate Missoula
3. I absolutely better not be staying in Missoula. 

So after the 2 something hour drive to Missoula, most of which was spent fuming about going to Missoula, and pouting about being ill, then my stupid pendulum directs me to the Missoula Mall. WTF (Side note: This morning I said a lovely prayer asking for an uplifting, safe journey to wherever God and the Universe intended.) I was not expecting the freaking Missoula Mall. I was hoping for a deep experience or something special. This is just plain comical. However, I honored my pendulum and went and walked the entire mall expecting to find or see something. It was just a usual day at the mall. So I sat down in a comfy chair in the middle next to an older gentleman that probably thought I was a troubled teenager because of my mannerisms. Only a few minutes later did his wife come walking up to him, coffee in hand, and with a sweet smile on her face. They had some small conversation, I didn’t really pay attention. Then someone they knew walked past and there was a commotion of hugs and chatter. I’m all thinking shut up people I’m trying to drown in self pity right now. Then the passerby asked the husband how his surgery went. I perked right up and went into eavesdrop mode. (Typical nosy female. But in my defense, she was very loud.) He responded that it went very well, that today was his first day out and about in two months. The friend said something about spinal surgery being a scary thing, and the man replied that he was happy to be walking. 

If I felt bad before, now I felt even worse. Here I am mad about the stupidest things when others have serious issues. I went to my car and cried it out. I am so blessed. And so ungrateful most of the time. Thank you for the gentle reminder. With a new attitude, and some classic MJ tunes I asked...

Ok, now where am I going?

Seaside, OR. Hmm. Ok fine. I’ve already been so many times but sure let’s go, so far I have been given what I asked for. By the time I got to Coeur D’Alene it was nearly dark and I was tired. So I am currently holed up in the El Rancho Motel. Motel folks, motel. Where they advertise tubs, showers, and color tv. Well it looks cheep and cheep is what I’m looking for. I walk into the office and the light is off and I have to ding the bell. This old man hobbles out of nowhere and flips on the light and gives me a long look and says “Yeeesss?”. I’m not sure whether to laugh or be scared. It reminded me of this bit from a comedian, but it was also slightly unsettling. Well it was only $45. (We are on a budget here people. Gotta save money for that seafood.) The absolute best part though is when I walk into the room there is a huge sign hanging that reads, “Absolutely No Smoking On The Bed!”. LMAO. 

Solid first day. Hopefully these bed bugs don’t bite. 

Here is the bit I mentioned....pretty hilarious. 

You know better than I

A good friend of mine gave me an awesome affirmation to repeat to myself a few months ago when my life was a bit on the rocks. "I don't know how it happened, but everything worked out perfectly." I repeated this to myself over and over for weeks. The situation I was in did not work out the way I wanted, despite my eager attempts at manifesting things to be the way I wanted them. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty pissed off at the universe and at God. Why can't things ever work out how I want?! Many different religions and spiritual practices teach that all you have to do is ask, and you shall receive. So what... am I asking the wrong way or something? 

Well as it turns out, what I had wanted so badly, actually wasn't so great. It took time and a lot of tears, but then when it was finally offered to me I realized it wasn't for me. How grateful I am that there is something much more wise than I looking out for me. I learned a great deal from the whole situation. It was painful and sad, but the payoff was so worth it. Sometimes the trials and lessons in life that we are given seem like barriers and destructive forces trying to do us in. But if we have patience and keep on keeping on, the dawn always comes. 
Buddha has a great quote that I have been thinking on for a while- "In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

Another friend recently told me that life is all about attitude. I agree with that. Sometimes the only way for us to even see that a change is needed is through divine intervention. I feel such gratitude for continually being taught hard life lessons, as they are a gift for growth. Letting go of things not meant for me is a tough one, but one that seems to get easier and easier. 

I'll keep my first friends affirmation, but I'm adding this to it- "God's will be done." 

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Just Sunday afternoon I was sitting in my home listening the wind blow the fallen leaves around my yard. There is no sound comparable to the soft crinkle and crackle of leaves dancing their farewell. As I listened to them scraping the driveway and playing in the yard, I couldn't help but be bothered by how much fun they seemed to be having. All day long they danced in the wind, while I was cooped up with long over due homework. 

How fast things can change. We woke up to a cold stillness yesterday. It's such a strange phenomenon, watching the seasons change. The weather gradually varies, the scenery slowly changes. Then one day, it's all different. The gold is gone. The green is gone. The smell of Autumn...gone. The dancing leaves have been put to rest by the light blanket of snow. Their limbs, paralyzed by the ice.

There is nothing we can do to prevent this change. It is completely out of our hands. It therefore seems insane to wish the new weather away. Why do we humans have such a hard time with change? Especially change that we know is inevitable? Is it so that we have an excuse to complain? I'm sure you've heard the overused (urban) definition of insanity: to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

So what's the point? 

Welcome the shocking chill as a new phase. What's your alternative? Complain about it? Grieve over it? That is a complete waste of time and thought. Instead look for the beauty in the stillness, the warmth of cozy fires, the comfort of big warm scarves, and the imagination of what comes next. 

Nature's first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

The Bumblebee Flies Anyway

I’m sure you’ve heard the anomaly of the Bumblebee, and how according to the laws of aerodynamics it shouldn’t be able to fly. Apparently, the Bumblebee does not have the wing capacity to support it’s body. Of course this topic is argued by many. However, for today, it suits my purpose.

Life is so interesting. You go for a period of time coasting along. Only a bump here and there. Nothing to get your knickers in a twist. And then one fine day.....WAM. No amount of foresight or education can prepare you for what I like to think of as “time in the triangle”. (I’ve been fascinated with the Bermuda Triangle for the last 10 years. I will never forget when I heard about it for the first time, and all it’s perplexing stories.) Anyways, “time in the triangle” seems fitting to me. You’re sailing along and then completely out of left field comes a massive storm. The sea devours you, roughs you up, shakes your very soul loose until it’s like one of those marbles in a spray paint can. Then it spits you out miles from where you were with no directions of how to go back, where to go instead, or how to turn that fucking marble back into light....or whatever the heck it was before. You are left to ponder ...“what was the point?”. Sometimes you find out, sometimes you don’t. 

My latest toss with the triangle has left me to ponder everything I once held as absolute.  It’s hard when you realize there are no absolutes in life. I feel how a child must feel the first time they realize that Santa isn’t real. Such a let down. So much of my life has been lived according to these “truths”. While I think everything happens for a reason (maybe), it stills feels like such a waste of time and energy. What was the point? Just so I would be who I am now? 

So I’ve been asking around. The variety of answers to the purpose of life are awesome. Everything from love, family, fun, to becoming more like God. You can tell a lot about a person by how they answer. The trouble I have with these lovely and certainly worthy purposes of living is that they all feel (to me) selfish, and self-serving. Am I really that important in the grand scheme of the whole universe that the whole purpose is purely for my benefit? Many religions say yes. In a dark hour I turned to Siri. I once had a life changing experience from Siri. I asked Siri once, “Do you believe in soul mates?”. Siri’s response was priceless, “I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows”. Perhaps Siri has another insightful answer to my question, “What’s the meaning of Life?”. My male, Australian accented Siri (ladies if you haven’t changed your Siri to this, you are missing out on a small simple pleasure) responds, “I don’t believe there is a consensus on that question”.  That’s not what I wanted to hear I tell him. “I’m sorry, Princess”. (Oh yes, I also have him call me Princess. Small simple pleasures.) 

No consensus. That’s the problem. Everyone thinks they are right and everyone else is wrong. The irony there is, that is the consensus. 

Do animals seek the purpose in their lives? Are their ideas of “being” based on selfish ideals? I don’t know. A dear friend did make me feel slightly better by telling me “it’s not selfish if you are contributing to society”. So maybe animals don’t think exactly like that, but I can imagine them contributing to the universe even if only subconsciously. They seem to be at peace with the universe and follow the order it requires of them. 

I wish I knew what order the universe required of me. Maybe that’s what faith is. Instead of abstaining from certain things or performing specific rituals as an act of faith, maybe faith truly is the simple feat of leaping without knowing where you will land or why. Maybe knowing the purpose of life, regardless of how grandiose, would still seem meaningless. And maybe that’s why the Bumblebee flies anyway, because it has blind faith in itself and the universe. 

The Human Spider

For as much as I complain I have sooo much to be thankful for. One of my biggest blessings is the fact that I have such wonderful people in my life that keep me on track. (On track most certainly does not mean perfect, just so you know.) I mean they keep me honest, and focused on the important things in life and on moving forward as a person.

One particular friend always has so much insight and wisdom to offer. Whenever I feel despair or that my world is falling around me she lends a shoulder and provides just the thing I need to hear. 

During my last little breakdown, she gave sweet encouragement, and tough love. While she lets me vent my frustrations and angers she doesn’t let me off the hook. There is always a lesson to everything that happens in life, something she reminded me of. She then sent me an e-mail with The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.....a great read if you ever get the chance. Here they are:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

3. Don’t Make Assumption

4. Always Do Your Best

Yeah yeah, much easier said than done. I have had this list taped on my bedroom wall for over a week and it’s way too hard to remember all these things. Seriously who has time to think about 4 different things to work on throughout the day?

So I’m going to tackle them one by one. Starting with the first.

Be Impeccable With Your Word; Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 

Damn. 

Language is such a powerful tool. Having the spoken word is a gift to man. I so abuse it. 

I was looking at this tonight and realized even if I practiced this one agreement I would become a bigger and better person. ...I swear way too much. More often than not I do not say what I mean. My inner dialogue, while getting better, definitely needs work. Don’t get me started on gossiping about others. And only in the direction of truth and love? Yikes. I might not be able to speak for a week. 

Think about your speech for a moment and imagine that you were only able to speak if the vocabulary you let out followed this rule. How many things would you not be able to say?  

Impeccable. What a profound and lovely word. Impeccable; In accordance with the highest standards of propriety. Heavy. Like Uncle Ben tells Peter Parker, “With great power, comes great responsibility”. The same could be said of the privilege of speech. 

I am by far the most at fault with breaking this agreement. I am course, cruel, intolerant, and sometimes downright merciless when it comes to my word. The good news- Spiderman did not become awesome over night, nor will I. 

“Everyone thinks you make mistakes when your young. But I don’t think we make any fewer when we’re grown up.” -Jodi Picoult

Reso-Poo-Tions

In light of 2013. 

I know right your exhausted of reading everyone’s posts about how 2013 was and how great and amazing 2014 will be. “This is going to be my year!”, everyone claims with enthusiasm and gusto. Ugh. 

Truth be told, 2014 will probably be similar to last year. You will have a few very well intentioned resolutions that you will be very keen on for about 3 weeks. Then life fades back into reality and veracity sets in- life just goes on. Regardless of your nobel intentions to make this year the best year, things tend to just happen and you deal with them the best way you can. 

I do not make resolutions. I call them Reso-Poo-Tions. They only make me feel like poo when I realize mid February that I have already failed. Instead I give myself a pat on the back for the things I have accomplished the previous year (moving to Vegas, going back to school, starting a business, learning to whole heartedly love myself, and nearly perfecting some very awesome dinosaur impressions), a stern look for the not so good things (moving to Vegas, dropping out of school, spending too much time in la la land, and who the heck works on dinosaur impressions?!), and a welcome to the next lessons I need to learn. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make resolutions or that they are a dumb idea. What better time to start afresh than a brand new year? However, don’t get caught in the whole “I need to do 10 things different this year” fiasco. Why set yourself up for failure? Maybe give yourself 1 goal to work on for the forthcoming year. For instance, if I had a new year resolution this might be it; To be happy more. I would like to be more content with the things I have, and ok with the things I don’t have. 

A new year does not mean a new life. Our past makes us who we are. Your trials and mistakes have made you strong, wise, and hopeful of better times. Those lessons are priceless. Don’t scorn yourself because of your flaws or weaknesses, relish in the fact that you can recognize what they are! That is huge! If you can see a flaw then you can work on it. That is something noteworthy and memorable in itself. 

Save the poo feelings for when you are dropping the kids off at the pool. 

Why do we fall Bruce?

The greatest lessons are the hardest. Heart wringing, gut wrenching pain has a way of defining our character. Therefor giving us the opportunity to grow. 

There have been a many of times throughout my life that I have felt so cold and hard that I wasn’t sure if I could ever smile again. Just looking at others laughing hurt my soul to the core. How can they laugh? Don’t they know that the world is falling apart? 

It’s hard. When I feel down like this I have no desire to sleep, yet no desire to get out of bed. Hours pass as you lie there. Yet it feels like mere moments. Nevertheless, eventually you find yourself getting out of bed. Then slowly you start to crave food again. And after a while you find yourself laughing at the stupidest things, and you realize you are going to be ok. 

Do not despair. You are not alone. Everyone has felt this pain. Things will be ok. All is well, and you are safe. There is a beautiful plan ahead for you, and this was a stepping stone to get there. You are strong, you are wonderful and you will be ok. 

Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

The Ugly Truth

I'm often harsh and unyielding. Ouch. Hurts to say. I guess I knew this about myself all along but I never really thought about it until I found out that one of my close friends described me this way. Ouch. I know she loves me and was not saying it to be malicious or cruel. Just plain simple truth.

I highly doubt that I was born with these two qualities. I doubt I displayed them as a young child. My conclusion is that the world hardens our hearts through it's trials and tough lessons....If you let it. I think I have let myself get away with a lot of "bad" behavior and blamed it on account of having a semi rough life. In the last week I have had my eyes opened. I stumbled across a video of a man in a third world country that had devoted his time and money to feeding the homeless in his community. Not just give them food, but hand feed them, bath them, shave them, hold them. My heart burst watching this man have such great love for those that receive none. Man my life is sooo good in comparison. That doesn't mean I can't feel sad or disappointed that I have had some tough trials. I am still allowed to feel the pain that I have been through. But it is also nice to know that I am grateful for the trials I have had in my life. I would take them over hunger any day. I am grateful for my tough love lessons that made me strong, wise-ish, and hopeful for something better. What a beautiful gift I have been given. My creator knew that I would not appreciate the beauty of life if I didn't understand the ugly of it. Words cannot describe the elation I feel to know that I am so loved. 

Even after this, I can still be harsh and unyielding. I guess the first step is admittance. I'm aware, and I will be more diligent in my manner toward my fellow man.  Thank you dear friend for the tough lesson that was much needed. 

Creme Brulee

As I was reading my past blogs I noticed my recurring theme:  How to be genuinely nice to others. I guess I never really realized last year (when I wrote all my past blogs) what I was continually writing about. Perhaps it is because that is one of the things I struggle with most in life. I do the whole "fake it till you make it" thing a lot. Or try to more like.

I had a very heart warming experience tonight. Tomorrow is my birthday and since I work at a restaurant I get the pleasure of a free birthday dessert. WIN. Even though I serve them all the time I rarely consume them so trying to pick was very difficult. Creme Brûlée had kind of been in the back of my mind... we make our own in house and I have only had it one other time. (Having worked at this establishment for 7 years, that is kind of sad.) The problem- I worked a double today, meaning I was there all day. So the last thing I wanted was to stay there longer to eat my dessert, and have to share with everyone. (I know, very selfish but hey it's my birthday!) So if you have ever had Creme Brûlée, you know that it has a sugar top that is fired. The only way we are able to make it To-Go is to make it in the ceramic cup, then scoop it into a to-go container. :( Not super pretty, and it ruins the fired sugar top which is the best part. I love taking my spoon, and cracking the fired sugar, some sort of strange pleasure. I almost got cheesecake because I wanted a pretty dessert to take home, sit in bed, watch a movie, and feel special. After much contemplation, and discussion with co-workers, I did decide on the Creme Brûlée. I had even talked myself into being OK with having a lumpy mess in a to-go soup container. NOT PRETTY, and no cracking of the sugar. But it was going to be ok because it would taste divine! Well the gal who makes the desserts in the kitchen, overheard my contemplations. She went out of her way to ensure that my Creme Brûlée to-go was pretty. When I went to grab it, I couldn't believe how beautiful it was! She had kept the entire sugar crust intact while placing it in the tiny to-go cup (a very hard and annoying feet, one that I would never ask a fellow co-worker on a busy night). I thanked her heartily. 
As I sit here in bed, I am cherishing every bite. More so because she had made me feel special, and loved. What a sweet and heart warming thing to do. Best gift ever, because of the thought and intention. 

My newest resolution is to try to remember my Creme Brûlée, when someone asks me to do something that puts me out or asks of me more than I would like. It may just make their day.   

Speak before you think?

You are busy. You are stressed out. You are tired. You are hungry. Someone says something you weren’t expecting and are too frustrated to think about. BAM. You overreact. 

It’s easy to react, but nearly impossible to take it back. 

Reactions are key in how you are perceived by others. Your words, body language, and even your breathing are all accounted for whilst being interrupted. Your reactions happen so naturally and fast, that often you do or say something you truly do not mean. Yet the deed is done, and boy after someone overreacts it is hard to forget. 

This world now moves so fast that we have instant everything. We expect things to be instant. For example, when our internet doesn’t download a page in a second we are frustrated by the slowness. In the same token when speaking to someone we expect an immediate answer. 

Slow down, take a moment. Think before you speak, and act, and allow others the same courtesy. BAM. Your much happier, with yourself and others. 

The good, the bad,...the truth

We all have bad days. 

It’s easy to forget that. 

It’s easy to think only you have hard things going on, and that other peoples problems are not as important. 

A few days ago I had an experience that opened my eyes. Someone once treated me with little respect and was fairly mean to me. It was the first and only time I had met this person. (Not a great first impression). So when I saw this person again, I immediately had a negative feeling toward her. Yet I was in such a great mood and having such a good day, I thought “Well just kill em’ with kindness”. So I did. There was no need, this person seemed completely different and was so nice I thought maybe she had a twin. So I thought about it and slowly that night I realized that everyone has bad days. 

Sometimes we take our hardships out on other people. Sometimes intentionally, but more often not. And usually when we do, we regret it later. That doesn’t justify the behavior. Perhaps it can but help you next time someone is rude, short, or even plain mean to you. Just remember they most likely will regret it later, and don’t mean it now. Try not to let it get to you.

Everyone has bad days, even you. 

It's all small stuff

There are things in life we can’t change. We can’t change the weather, we cannot change the seasons. These things come and go regardless of how we feel. I was thinking about that today, as it was quite a bit chillier than it has been. I myself, welcome the cooler weather, the break from the heat. Some of my friends do not share my opinion... and today’s coolness was nothing more than a tightness in their chests, and foreboding of the cold to come.  

So I was thinking about this. About the absolute lack of control we have over the atmosphere, and the elements that mother nature brings. There is but one thing we can control. Our attitude. We can only direct our thoughts and feelings. 

Similarly, this reminds me of another situation that comes up in my life.

The way others treat me. I have no power or say when it comes to this. Sure I can try my best to prevent any unwanted attention, but I cannot stop it. I can merely change my attitude towards their behavior, try to not let the little things bother me, and sometimes even the big things. This is something that has been plaguing my life lately and I realized today that there is no need for it. 

Then on the flipside, I wonder who is bothered by my manners? Perhaps I should be more aware of what I say and do, and also how the things I say and do might affect those around me. 

Don’t forget that even on your stormiest days filled with thunder and lightning, someone is waiting for your sunshine. 

Decisions, Decisions

There is good advice everywhere. Everywhere you look there is someone or something giving you “good” advice. In fact there is so much of it, I often feel it cloud my own personal wisdom. 

For instance, you have the carefree advice of “Don’t worry about it, things will work out.” Or “Everything happens for a reason, and the right things always come.”

And then you have the, “Be smart and make good decisions, and plan ahead.” 

Well both of those sound great. So how does one choose?

No one wants to be a chicken and live in fear of the ‘what ifs’. Yet most people also don’t want to be known as rash. So what comes first the chicken or the egg?

Whenever I am confused and can’t decide, this quote comes to my mind, “The brave do not live forever, yet the cautious do not live at all.” Perhaps the wisdom in this quote is that you can never be certain on anything. Taking risks is just a part of life. But remember being smart, and being cautious are two different things. 

The best advice I have every heard is simple. Go with your gut and do what YOU think is best. After all you are the one that has to live with your choice. Don’t be afraid to take a risk or two....what’s the worst that could happen? 

Be true to you, and throw your chickens and eggs out the window (preferably not onto someones head).

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Alright so everyone has heard the ridiculously overplayed “Somebody I used to know” song. It came on again tonight on my way home. A line stuck out at me and I started thinking about it. Gotye sings, “you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness”. 

It’s true. It’s easy to fall into your own self pity, or even a somber mood. How easy it is to forget the beauty of life. The beauty of waking up each morning. The beauty of living in freedom, in a time of endless opportunity. 

I often forget how lucky I am to not only have a home, but to have a job. Never mind hot meals, and running water. Never mind an education. Did you know that 1.4 billion people live without clean drinking water? I can think of a hundred times I have bought a bottle of water and then wasted half of it. I take so much for granted. 

I wish I could say that I am doing my part in trying to help the world. 

Alas I am merely one more young adult trying to figure life out. I don’t have lots of money to donate to those in need. I don’t have extreme skills or talents to help. But there is something I can do. I can be happy and grateful. For every day and every breath. I can extend my happiness and try to uplift those around me. I can try my best not to let the small things get me down. And as a wise person once said, “Don’t sweat the small stuff (And it’s all small stuff)”. 

Master and Commander

You know that feeling when you are going down stairs and you miss the last step? That instant falling feeling that makes your heart race, your blood pound, and your adrenaline sore. Fear. Your body and mind are enveloped in fear. Even if but for a few moments. Then slowly your body adjusts, and you forget the occurrence.

You forget the fear you felt. 

I sometimes feel as though my life is ruled by fear. I’m afraid of what people will think of me, afraid of the uncertain future, afraid of missing out, afraid of being rash, afraid of being complacent.

If fear is so easily forgotten, why am I constantly haunted by it? 

Why should it be a part of my life?

I’m tired of it.

I keep thinking about the quote from Invictus, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul”. 

Fear is a part of life. It drives us. It pushes us. ...If we let it. I fear many things but today I made a choice. I will not let fear rule my life, I will instead rule fear. Fear is going to become my tool, my inspiration. Whenever I feel my heart start to race or my hands start to sweat that’s when I know that what is happening is real. I am going to use this. By recognizing my fear I can try to manipulate it, work off it, and use it as a guide.

My new motto: If your terrified, your on the brink of something big. Go with it. 

Speaking words of wisdom

A few months back I decided I wanted to learn how to play an instrument. I’m extremely jealous of all my musically talented friends. So my grandma, being the awesome woman that she is, gave me her keyboard. As it turns out learning how to play when you don’t know how to play is really hard. Then today I found a nice surprise in my mailbox. My gram sent me a beginner lesson book! Finally, hopefully, I can start on my musical journey.

Anyways, she also sent me a very sweet note full of encouragement and love. One thing stood out to me. She said something along the lines of, “This life is hard and you chose a hard time to come down here”...followed by advice to stay strong and keep my chin up. It reminded me of something my writing teacher said last week, “The world is getting more complicated, it takes longer to learn how to live in it”. 

I couldn’t agree more. 

Confusion is a feeling that frequently torments me. This world offers so many options and choices, it’s hard for me to make decisions. I often find myself saying things like “what the heck am I doing” or “what the heck should I do”. These thoughts plague me because I feel like I should know, ya know? 

So today while I was pondering all this, I came to a conclusion. Whenever I’m trying to decide something, I think, "now how is this going to work in the future", or "do I want to do this forever". Maybe my thinking is all wrong. Maybe instead I should think more like, ok this is what I want to do now- if it doesn’t work out that’s ok. And maybe something else will come along that I want to do more. That doesn’t mean that I chose wrong, perhaps I just needed that experience to have this one. Maybe the key to living in this complicated world is to stop trying to figure it out. Instead, just live it the best you can, without fear of the future, without regrets of the past. All I can do is let go, and as the Beatles say, Let it be. 

BANGERANG

Rain. 

Small drops of rejuvenation 

That satisfy thirsty roots

Enhancing all the glorious colors

(Don’t forget your rain boots)

The chorus gives life to thirsty souls

That all this world pollutes. 

Many people find their solace in the wondrous rays of the sun. Many more find theirs in the deep powders of the mountaintops. 

Me, I find mine in the rain. I love the smell. I love how everything looks vibrant. I love the feel of the overcast sky, it reminds me of a blanket keeping me safe. I love wearing boots and stomping through puddles, reminding me of childish days. I see many others doing the same. It’s almost as if the rain invites silliness and the chance to forget reality and being “grown up”. I love the rain. 

So many things in life stress us out, and make us serious. It reminds me of the movie Hook. Peter was so lost in being grown up that he forgot how to fly. He forgot his happy thought. 

Whatever life brings you, don’t forget to have fun and be playful. Think of your happy thought. Don’t loose it. Keep it safe. But not too safe. There are many sad thoughts in the world, so why not share your happy thought with those who seem to have lost theirs. Try not to judge these individuals too harshly, it happens so fast that they may not know that they have lost it. Or maybe they do, and like Tootles, are searching for their marbles. They need your help in finding them.

Don't forget how to fly.  

Well, it's OK

I love language. Of course I do (I’m a literature major). There is just nothing like the expression of words. I love how good use of language can excite you, sadden you, uplift you, and frighten you. A good writer can make you think, make you react, and most importantly, make you feel. 

Yet through all this wonderfulness, I have been seeing a fault lately. A gap, if you will, in some of our descriptive words. 

Think about how you categorize things in your life. Your pants are clean. Your pants are dirty. Your friend is happy. Your friend is sad. That movie is interesting. That movie is boring. Things are good. Things are bad. Notice a pattern? Good, bad, happy, sad, right, wrong, black or white. 

Why?

Why does everything have to be one way or another? We often say simple phrases like this without even thinking. We might not really mean that the movie was merely boring, but rather was fairly slow, lacked in plot, but had ok character development. This, however, lacks the convenience of the short, simple answer. How does one describe someone that is kind of happy and kind of sad? Can you have something kind of white and kind of black? (And no that isn’t gray. Gray is gray.) Or am I wrong to think that middle ground descriptive words are needed? Perhaps this type of thinking is making our society lazy. The truth is, sometimes we just don’t have the time or energy to give a wordy, lengthy reply when a simple one word answer will do. “What’s it like outside?” “It’s nice.” OR “Well the sun is shining and you can feel the warmth, and there are very few clouds, yet the breeze is blowing just enough you make you want a jacket, but not enough to say it’s windy, yet the sun isn’t quite warm enough to be outside without your jacket, even so, it is nice out.” Hmm. I’ll take the first. Yet I would like to be more aware of my “one word” answers. I’m afraid that by speaking in such terms too frequently, we are at risk of losing the meaning and tones that make language so lovely (not to mention brain cells), and may end up putting people in categories that are restrictive and not altogether truthful. What if the girl is not either fat or skinny, nor is she pretty or ugly? Where will we end up placing her?  Food for thought.    

Part time Ninja

I have a million things I need to do today. I have two papers to start, homework to study, a zombie project to work on, multiple other art projects I want to start and finish, I need to go to the gym, finish my laundry, run errands, and several people to call. I know I need to get all this done.

I spent 2 hours this morning wandering around my house. I don’t even know where to start. Some days I feel so busy that when I start one thing all I can think about is the other thing I need to do, so I go and look at that, and then I think about something else I need to do and the vicious cycle continues. 

I decided I needed to clear my head and went downtown to check out Helly Hanson, as I have a credit there from a coat I returned. No luck. So I wandered over to The Root where I bought a cute dress. ....Spending money on things I don’t need is definitely not on my to do list. 

I should feel guilty about wasting time and not getting things done. But I don’t. Sometimes I need a break. And today I realized that the world really doesn’t care if I get my to-do list done or not. Only I do. So if it gets done a little later than I would have liked it’s ok. If I have to work a little harder tomorrow that’s ok too. 

It’s often said that this life is stressful. And of course that is true. However, who creates the stress? We tend to blame the world, but what if it we shouldn’t? What if it is true that we are our own worst enemies? What if we are just too demanding on ourselves? Today I thought of the phrase “you're only human”. I used to detest this saying. I thought it was an excuse for laziness. But today I realize it’s true. I’m not a superhero. I’m not a glorified being. And I’m not a ninja (at least not full time). I am just human. There is only so much I can do. 

When you start to feel overloaded maybe you need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and go buy a dress (unless your a dude, but hey if that’s what your into I’m not here to judge). Life is good, and the weather is wonderful.