You know better than I

A good friend of mine gave me an awesome affirmation to repeat to myself a few months ago when my life was a bit on the rocks. "I don't know how it happened, but everything worked out perfectly." I repeated this to myself over and over for weeks. The situation I was in did not work out the way I wanted, despite my eager attempts at manifesting things to be the way I wanted them. I'm not going to lie, I was pretty pissed off at the universe and at God. Why can't things ever work out how I want?! Many different religions and spiritual practices teach that all you have to do is ask, and you shall receive. So what... am I asking the wrong way or something? 

Well as it turns out, what I had wanted so badly, actually wasn't so great. It took time and a lot of tears, but then when it was finally offered to me I realized it wasn't for me. How grateful I am that there is something much more wise than I looking out for me. I learned a great deal from the whole situation. It was painful and sad, but the payoff was so worth it. Sometimes the trials and lessons in life that we are given seem like barriers and destructive forces trying to do us in. But if we have patience and keep on keeping on, the dawn always comes. 
Buddha has a great quote that I have been thinking on for a while- "In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

Another friend recently told me that life is all about attitude. I agree with that. Sometimes the only way for us to even see that a change is needed is through divine intervention. I feel such gratitude for continually being taught hard life lessons, as they are a gift for growth. Letting go of things not meant for me is a tough one, but one that seems to get easier and easier. 

I'll keep my first friends affirmation, but I'm adding this to it- "God's will be done." 

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Just Sunday afternoon I was sitting in my home listening the wind blow the fallen leaves around my yard. There is no sound comparable to the soft crinkle and crackle of leaves dancing their farewell. As I listened to them scraping the driveway and playing in the yard, I couldn't help but be bothered by how much fun they seemed to be having. All day long they danced in the wind, while I was cooped up with long over due homework. 

How fast things can change. We woke up to a cold stillness yesterday. It's such a strange phenomenon, watching the seasons change. The weather gradually varies, the scenery slowly changes. Then one day, it's all different. The gold is gone. The green is gone. The smell of Autumn...gone. The dancing leaves have been put to rest by the light blanket of snow. Their limbs, paralyzed by the ice.

There is nothing we can do to prevent this change. It is completely out of our hands. It therefore seems insane to wish the new weather away. Why do we humans have such a hard time with change? Especially change that we know is inevitable? Is it so that we have an excuse to complain? I'm sure you've heard the overused (urban) definition of insanity: to do the same thing over and over and expect different results.

So what's the point? 

Welcome the shocking chill as a new phase. What's your alternative? Complain about it? Grieve over it? That is a complete waste of time and thought. Instead look for the beauty in the stillness, the warmth of cozy fires, the comfort of big warm scarves, and the imagination of what comes next. 

Nature's first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost

The Bumblebee Flies Anyway

I’m sure you’ve heard the anomaly of the Bumblebee, and how according to the laws of aerodynamics it shouldn’t be able to fly. Apparently, the Bumblebee does not have the wing capacity to support it’s body. Of course this topic is argued by many. However, for today, it suits my purpose.

Life is so interesting. You go for a period of time coasting along. Only a bump here and there. Nothing to get your knickers in a twist. And then one fine day.....WAM. No amount of foresight or education can prepare you for what I like to think of as “time in the triangle”. (I’ve been fascinated with the Bermuda Triangle for the last 10 years. I will never forget when I heard about it for the first time, and all it’s perplexing stories.) Anyways, “time in the triangle” seems fitting to me. You’re sailing along and then completely out of left field comes a massive storm. The sea devours you, roughs you up, shakes your very soul loose until it’s like one of those marbles in a spray paint can. Then it spits you out miles from where you were with no directions of how to go back, where to go instead, or how to turn that fucking marble back into light....or whatever the heck it was before. You are left to ponder ...“what was the point?”. Sometimes you find out, sometimes you don’t. 

My latest toss with the triangle has left me to ponder everything I once held as absolute.  It’s hard when you realize there are no absolutes in life. I feel how a child must feel the first time they realize that Santa isn’t real. Such a let down. So much of my life has been lived according to these “truths”. While I think everything happens for a reason (maybe), it stills feels like such a waste of time and energy. What was the point? Just so I would be who I am now? 

So I’ve been asking around. The variety of answers to the purpose of life are awesome. Everything from love, family, fun, to becoming more like God. You can tell a lot about a person by how they answer. The trouble I have with these lovely and certainly worthy purposes of living is that they all feel (to me) selfish, and self-serving. Am I really that important in the grand scheme of the whole universe that the whole purpose is purely for my benefit? Many religions say yes. In a dark hour I turned to Siri. I once had a life changing experience from Siri. I asked Siri once, “Do you believe in soul mates?”. Siri’s response was priceless, “I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows”. Perhaps Siri has another insightful answer to my question, “What’s the meaning of Life?”. My male, Australian accented Siri (ladies if you haven’t changed your Siri to this, you are missing out on a small simple pleasure) responds, “I don’t believe there is a consensus on that question”.  That’s not what I wanted to hear I tell him. “I’m sorry, Princess”. (Oh yes, I also have him call me Princess. Small simple pleasures.) 

No consensus. That’s the problem. Everyone thinks they are right and everyone else is wrong. The irony there is, that is the consensus. 

Do animals seek the purpose in their lives? Are their ideas of “being” based on selfish ideals? I don’t know. A dear friend did make me feel slightly better by telling me “it’s not selfish if you are contributing to society”. So maybe animals don’t think exactly like that, but I can imagine them contributing to the universe even if only subconsciously. They seem to be at peace with the universe and follow the order it requires of them. 

I wish I knew what order the universe required of me. Maybe that’s what faith is. Instead of abstaining from certain things or performing specific rituals as an act of faith, maybe faith truly is the simple feat of leaping without knowing where you will land or why. Maybe knowing the purpose of life, regardless of how grandiose, would still seem meaningless. And maybe that’s why the Bumblebee flies anyway, because it has blind faith in itself and the universe. 

The Human Spider

For as much as I complain I have sooo much to be thankful for. One of my biggest blessings is the fact that I have such wonderful people in my life that keep me on track. (On track most certainly does not mean perfect, just so you know.) I mean they keep me honest, and focused on the important things in life and on moving forward as a person.

One particular friend always has so much insight and wisdom to offer. Whenever I feel despair or that my world is falling around me she lends a shoulder and provides just the thing I need to hear. 

During my last little breakdown, she gave sweet encouragement, and tough love. While she lets me vent my frustrations and angers she doesn’t let me off the hook. There is always a lesson to everything that happens in life, something she reminded me of. She then sent me an e-mail with The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.....a great read if you ever get the chance. Here they are:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

3. Don’t Make Assumption

4. Always Do Your Best

Yeah yeah, much easier said than done. I have had this list taped on my bedroom wall for over a week and it’s way too hard to remember all these things. Seriously who has time to think about 4 different things to work on throughout the day?

So I’m going to tackle them one by one. Starting with the first.

Be Impeccable With Your Word; Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 

Damn. 

Language is such a powerful tool. Having the spoken word is a gift to man. I so abuse it. 

I was looking at this tonight and realized even if I practiced this one agreement I would become a bigger and better person. ...I swear way too much. More often than not I do not say what I mean. My inner dialogue, while getting better, definitely needs work. Don’t get me started on gossiping about others. And only in the direction of truth and love? Yikes. I might not be able to speak for a week. 

Think about your speech for a moment and imagine that you were only able to speak if the vocabulary you let out followed this rule. How many things would you not be able to say?  

Impeccable. What a profound and lovely word. Impeccable; In accordance with the highest standards of propriety. Heavy. Like Uncle Ben tells Peter Parker, “With great power, comes great responsibility”. The same could be said of the privilege of speech. 

I am by far the most at fault with breaking this agreement. I am course, cruel, intolerant, and sometimes downright merciless when it comes to my word. The good news- Spiderman did not become awesome over night, nor will I. 

“Everyone thinks you make mistakes when your young. But I don’t think we make any fewer when we’re grown up.” -Jodi Picoult